In Biography, Musing, Poem

How I Came to My Soul Garden

There was a time

when life was easy.

There was a time

I didn’t worry

overthink

second guess.

There was a time,

I wrapped myself

in the Shawl of Certainty.

 

I shunned Regret

for years,

ignoring his requests,

not taking his calls.

But still,

he broke into my home, a stalker

hiding in the attic,

a stowaway creating unease

when I thought I was alone.

 

He made room for Doubt.

Undermined the safe space

I was so sure I was creating.

Doubt moved in,

an undesired roommate.

His gaslighting denials

that of course I needed him

and it was my idea to bring Regret out of the attic.

It was cruel of me to leave him there,

unloved.

 

As a strong woman,

I believed I was above their trickery.

I thought that being strong

meant being safe.

I thought being smart was enough.

I thought it meant I could pick the outcome.

 

Regret and Doubt sat on my couch

eating chips and drinking beer.

They barked orders of what-might-have-been

and what-I’ll-never-deserve.

At first

I laughed,

like all women learn to.

I laughed as I asked them to leave.

But they stayed.

I called the authorities,

but still they stayed.

I listened,

tried to understand their POV,

to create a win-win solution,

but still they stayed.

With every failed attempt,

Doubt won.

With every failed strategy,

Regret’s smile grew larger.

 

And still they stayed.

They got bigger,

fatter,

more slothful

 

until I thought I would suffocate under their weight.

 

Still they stayed.

And so I left.

I found a patch of ground,

empty and forgotten

and I began to build.

I left Doubt and Regret in the big house,

with their chips and their beer and each other.

I planted one seed

laid one brick

sang one song

and my new space started to form.

I felt the old seed in me awaken,

aflame with wisdom’s purpose.

This seed became a garden of many gardens.

Stretching from the seaside to the mountains,

desert to Japan,

rocks and moss

to bougainvillea and mojitos.

In some gardens I gather.

In some gardens I prune.

In some I create

and in some I store.

Doubt and Regret drop by to visit sometimes.

I give them a beer and send them home

unattached.

 

Now.

I stand barefoot,

plugged in to the grass,

arms stretched to the stars

and love as far as I can feel.

This is my garden,

this is my soul.

I flourish here.

 

 

If you would like to begin the journey to create your own Soul Garden, please register or drop me a note at mary@beingninja.com.

Recent Posts
Showing 5 comments
  • Stephanie
    Reply

    This is exquisitely beautiful and poignant. I see into your soul and it’s wonderful. Thank you for sharing this with the world.

    • Mary Aitoshi
      Reply

      My pleasure. Thank you!

  • Chris Chandler
    Reply

    Beautiful, Mary.

    • Mary Aitoshi
      Reply

      Thanks! Stay tuned for a reading!

  • Betsy
    Reply

    Absolutely beautiful!! Please keep writing,, you touched my heart ,,, thank you for sharing yours!!!

Leave a Comment

Contact Us

We're not around right now. But you can send us an email and we'll get back to you, asap.

Not readable? Change text. captcha txt
Soul Garden